random thought i need to write down cause im high

awareness of racial issues in america is essential for its continual prosperity. a common view of individuals who choose to keep racial issues and dynamics in their conversations is that they are out to make certain groups of people feel guilty about themselves for whatever social ills that have plagued our country. this conception can be so reinforced that for this reason many people refuse to even engage in such dialogue, presuming from the jump that the discussion will be one-sided and even pointless.

on the contrary, racial dialogue should be the opposite. it should be about spreading truth and getting people in tune with the reality that other racial groups face—getting them to realize that just because they don’t experience our reality, it doesn’t make it any less true. it shouldn’t be about getting white people (or any other racial group, for that matter) to feel guilty for the sins of their ancestors. it’s about nudging them in the position where they can accept the reality of the racial climate in america: that it is complicated, and often unfair. it’s about getting people to understand that they are privileged and disadvantaged in their own ways, despite any variations in socioeconomic status.

getting people to think about these things and promoting dialogue between individuals who would otherwise be unwilling to delve into these matters does more good for the world than people may think. like i mentioned above: it’s not about forcing doctrine down throats or proving anyone wrong. the sharing of experiences and ideas results in natural social change—even if it may be slow change—, and this is the kind of change we need.

so it’s the first time i’ve been home for more than half an hour in a few months. strange, it feels exactly the same as it did before, except we have no cable now (GAH). i’m sitting in the exact same room (which, since i left, has been turned into my dad’s computer room/mega’s chillin out room) listening to music that only i would play here.

my license is about to be fucking suspended in a month unless i pay off all the fees i owe for the two moving violations i caught in the past 6 months. SO WACK. it’s obviously my fault for getting pulled over (and for forgetting the court dates i was supposed to attend) but you can’t help but be pissed at the whole traffic/police system in the city. they’re all just out for money and trying to meet their evil quotas. fuck that. jen got her car towed a few weeks ago cause my bitch ass neighbor felt that she was blocking his driveway, even though she hardly was and he still got in his driveway perfectly fine. he could have just left a note, but more importantly, the cop that showed up should have seen that it wasn’t such a big deal. and you end up having to pay like 500 bucks. for what?

anyway this is a really unorganized post; i’m off to blockbuster to pick up some movie goodness.

the "now"

1.

yall know how no matter how much you get over a person—even to the point where thinking about said person doesn’t do much for you at all—seeing that person again ignites some crazy old obscure feelings? this is wack.

or not. i mean when i look at you i can’t help but think about all the things that transpired between us, even if shit ended horribly. all i want, even if ever so momentarily, is to feel that again. you know what i mean, cause we all feel it. of course, there are exceptions to the rule, one personal example being a certain somebody who can eat a dick. regardless, this applies to almost everyone i’ve dated. all it takes is a perusing through girl x’s facebook photos, or a brief catching-up session.

1a.

and you, it applies to you too. i’ve been killing myself lately trying to figure out how you’ve been and what you’re up to.

2.

someone told me they “understand that your personal life isn’t so great right now.” strange. quite the contrary—i haven’t exactly been hurting lately, although i do understand what they were talking about. i just turned 22, and have yet to really align my life with the goals and plans that have been slowly realized in the past 4 years.

am i trippin over it? for the most part, no. i mean, in terms of “normal” success, i’m kinda doing the exact opposite of what is expected of me. but fuck being normal, right? i’ve never really been good at doing that and i don’t plan on switching back to “try to be like everybody else and ignore the fact that i don’t actually know what i’m doing in life” mode—anything but that shit. trying to be normal is what slowed me down in the first place (i.e. going to calvin, running the gamut of “normal majors” thinking that i would actually enjoy studying that shit) and i don’t intend on being slowed down much longer. ironic, i know, since my life is currently pretty stagnant by most standards, but hey—i never said i stopped fucking up.

what matters to me is that each day people think i’m wasting is actually being spent unraveling a life and persona i always wanted and knew i could have, but had never given myself the opportunity to explore. yes, it sucks that it had to happen now, but i need it to happen more than anything else. i don’t think i can bring the future closer until i figure out the “now,” cause the “now” is what has been missing in my life for so long. this maybe the singular difference between myself and most people i know.

3.

i haven’t bought new sneakers in what seems like almost a year. IF YOU SEE ME IN THE STREETS HOLLA AT A PLAYA AND TELL ME TO STOP SPENDING MONEY.

4.

dudes—don’t be bitches. there is a part of your brain whose full-time function is to remind you that it’s good to be considerate and sensitive. and those are good things. but listening to that impulse in your brain too much results in you acting a fool and not considering your own needs. women like men, not doormats.

22

well, it’s that time of the year again. i am now 22, and with that i don’t feel the slightest difference in myself. i suppose that’s what always happens to everyone.

change is what we want; it’s what we need. so consider my 22nd birthday to be a sort of new years, with resolutions and all that shit. cause i just think that makes more sense.

what i will do:

• get back to working out consistently
• save up, buy gear, and expand my production ability
• next semester when i go back to school, I AM GOING TO FINISH THAT SHIT. i don’t have the time to fuck around anymore.
• make more art
• get tats

and i will be more content—as i have slowly been learning to do recently, with the fact that everything is fickle. friends, job, girls, whatever. not even trying to be cynical. i’m pretty optimistic when it comes to other people—hopeful even. but if there’s anything i’ve learned in the past year, it’s that you just don’t have control over how other people change.

the card my parents got me

lol my parents made me buy opera tickets for them a few days ago so they could take advantage of my student discount. they also made me buy a $120 gift certificate. i thought it was for one of their friends, but now i just look like a fuckin loser cause i technically bought my own birthday present.

anyway, whatever. it sucks i have to work today. i was just gonna work cause i figured i’m gonna do something official for my birthday later on, but now i really want today off.